Dear Liz, My husband is looking at porn…

Q. My husband spends time watching movies which are not helpful to his spiritual growth and in my opinion are downright pornographic. This usually happens late at night when I can’t keep awake after a hectic day with the kids and he has time to himself. What should I do about this ?

A. This question could just as easily be about the use of internet sites and/or magazines which are not God-honouring. Unfortunately this is more common than many people like to admit and Christian women feel they are in a bind of secrecy. Secrets always destroy – both the person who is the “doer” and the one who watches. Chronic wrong-doing eats away at the very fabric of a person’s soul and affects all those who live in the same house.

It is never right to allow a fellow Christian to continue in sin without at least offering to help them in some way. If we say nothing then we become part of the problem and the guilt is shared. Very few men would be happy for their behaviour to be made public and will do all in their power to ensure their secret is well-kept. Threats, sarcasm, comparisons, physical violence are all used to protect the deviant behaviour and ensure that the partner does not involve other people.

So…..step one is to confront the person and offer to help in practical ways such as taking away the remote, always going to bed at the same time, asking the person to share their temptations and vulnerable times.

If the response is less than positive, then others need to be called in and involved. This should happen sooner than later if there is no improvement after step one. If the person is unwilling to share their difficulty with others, then the wife needs to do it anyway and tell the husband that this will happen.

Delay is not an option as this will not improve by themselves….mostly this is an addiction which needs to be dealt with as such. Any person who denies they have a problem or who wants to cope on their own is not recognising how deep the issue is in their life.

If husbands in these situations were called to account early, then many hurtful confrontations would be avoided and the sin would not be so entrenched as to need radical surgery and continual after-care.

NOTE: In answering all these questions, I am coming from the perspective of marriage being the blending of two people into one – where each prefers the other over themselves and puts the other’s welfare before their own. In other words, it is the highest form of being “one in Christ” which we can witness.

However….in our experience of church life, very few married people experience true one-ness and resort to role-playing and accomodating each other’s sinfulness rather than working at “provoking one another to love and good works”

If only one person in the marriage is a Christian then obviously one-ness cannot apply in spiritual issues but it is still something which can be achieved.

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This entry was posted in Authors, Liz Sykes, Overcoming Unfaithfulness, Practical Living. Bookmark the permalink.

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