Dear Liz, Our sex life has become routine and boring…

Dear Liz, Our sex life has become rather routine and predicable….is that OK ?

 As long as our behaviours fall within God’s moral law of love and consideration of other people, then how we practice our sexuality within marriage is personal.

If “routine and predictable” is satisfying to both of you, then that’s fine, but by you’re asking the question I suspect that you may like a change.

Perhaps you feel that it is up to the guy to do all the initiating in a relationship?

There’s nothing in the bible about who does what and when…..any reference to sexual matters is about mutual desire and concern for your partner with honour for God being the foremost motivation.

Sometimes things slip into predictability because we’re just plain tired out with work and small children. Also there are times when a visit to the doctor is in order to check things such as blood pressure, thyroid function or other imbalances which affect our sexual desire.

Some practical suggestions for your initiative might be that you first of all speak well of your spouse to them and others. Tell him/her you’re proud of them (if you honestly are – don’t lie) and watch to see little ways in which you might please them. All good sexual experiences come from how we treat each other in the everyday affairs of life including the “please and thank yous” Guys are just as sensitive to insincerity and manipulation as women – “say what you mean and mean what you say” – and say it with grace and gentleness without jokes at anyone’s expense.

There’s no better way to find out what pleases a person than asking……even if some people don’t know exactly what they like, they’ll certainly know what they don’t like!

Some people like like soft lights, music, candles – others  feel more relaxed outdoors, under the stars or sunlight (yes…daytime is great when there’s no kids around)

Anything which shows you really care and are not just after personal benefit and no strings attached (no bribing) will bring good results and a closer bond.

NOTE: In answering all these questions, I am coming from the perspective of marriage being the blending of two people into one – where each prefers the other over themselves and puts the other’s welfare before their own. In other words, it is the highest form of being “one in Christ” which we can witness.

However….in our experience of church life, very few married people experience true one-ness and resort to role-playing and accomodating each other’s sinfulness rather than working at “provoking one another to love and good works”

If only one person in the marriage is a Christian then obviously one-ness cannot apply in spiritual issues but it is still something which can be achieved.

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