Dear Liz, What if our sex drives are unmatched?

Q  What if you don’t seem to have a very big sex drive, especially as you get older?

 Who is to say what is a big or small sex drive ? How does one gauge such a thing ?

Who is to say whether the big or small libido is the most honouring to God ?

From the question I am assuming that your sexual drive is less than that of your spouse.  Some people teach that men have more of a sex drive than women. I would contest that assumption by saying that there is no place in the bible that gives that idea – that God has made us that way. Both men and women were made in the image of God in the beginning and without sin were completely at one with each other and with God…they were ‘ naked and unashamed’  I would suggest that in society, more emphasis has been given to men’s sexuality and over centuries it has been acceptable for men to be more promiscuous etc. but that is not how God intended it to be.

Marriage is all about consideration and one-ness. Sometimes, for a variety of reasons, the interest in sexual intimacy will vary from one partner to the other and this gives opportunity for a couple to share their feelings, anxieties and profound respect for each other. Sexual intimacy is designed for both partners to enjoy equally and anything less than that needs patience, lots of communication and unselfish love. So….sexual encounters should never happen unless both people desire it. The passage in 1 Corinthians 7 about our bodies belonging to our partner applies equally to wives and husbands (read it again) Something which hopefully started out as enjoyable when first married should not be allowed to degenerate into a “rights” issue.

The last part of this question says “especially as you get older? Who decides what is old anyway ? Most often husbands and wives are similar in age so can grow old gracefully together and can work these issues out. Once again…it is considering the other person and working together to enjoy your sexuality, even if age or sickness or disability means you have to make some adjustments.


NOTE: In answering all these questions, I am coming from the perspective of marriage being the blending of two people into one – where each prefers the other over themselves and puts the other’s welfare before their own. In other words, it is the highest form of being “one in Christ” which we can witness.

However….in our experience of church life, very few married people experience true one-ness and resort to role-playing and accomodating each other’s sinfulness rather than working at “provoking one another to love and good works”

If only one person in the marriage is a Christian then obviously one-ness cannot apply in spiritual issues but it is still something which can be achieved.

This entry was posted in Liz Sykes, Practical Living, Sex. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Dear Liz, What if our sex drives are unmatched?

  1. TL says:

    This is excellent. I hope to see more of these “Dear Liz” questions and answers.

  2. krwordgazer says:

    I think a good way to work this kind of thing out is for both partners to have self-sacrificial attitudes– that is, the partner who wants sex more often should lay down her/his desires and be willing to make do with less, while the partner who wants sex less often should try to acquiesce more often and be willing to enjoy sex more often, even if it isn’t his/her first choice for the evening’s activities. Neither should ever attempt to override the other’s will in this, but both should be willing to do what’s best for the other partner so long as it isn’t an actual hardship for themselves. I’m not saying a spouse should give in to the other spouse regarding having sex when too tired or in a state of pain or sorrow. But a lot of times it isn’t that– one just doesn’t feel as interested as the other. If both are willing to give in to the other, they will often end up meeting somewhere in the middle. They will end up having more sex than one party actually would prefer, and less sex than the other party would actually prefer. It works out.

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